If You Can Afford a Bugati, You Probably Don't Care About 8 MPG

If You Can Afford a Bugati, You Probably Don't Care About 8 MPG

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Life with a German.

Her name is Gretchen, and she's my little 1.8t AWD A4. And though she's very distinguished, Gretchen has not captured my heart.

I look for a car that loves to get down and dirty. Even if the car is elegant and sophisticated in the parking lot or right lane of the local freeway, to earn my love, it always needs to be capable of slapping me across the face and biting my ear. Scarlet went so far a few times as to pull a knife and demand my wallet. I swooned. Gretchen, though, is far too up class for anything untoward. Gretchen may be beautiful and easy to live with, but she knows it and gets a little steamed when I try anything in public. Gretchen is very staid and polite where Scarlet was off her medication. Gretchen, sadly, may need to go.

What do you guys think? I really want a roomier Jeep (YJ or TJ) with a 4.0 liter and very little lift, but I'm open for suggestions. Just remember that if she's a lady in public AND in private, I'm not interested. I want scars when I'm finished.

Boats are better.

I hear Greg's argument that his choice is superior because his girlfriend has a matching one. I believe, though, that I drew a connection between the moped and purse already. Girls don't own boats, they ride in them. Girls own mopeds.

Andrew asserts that I'll be riding alone in my boat. This is a possible scenario, I'll admit. But look at who Masters entices with his toy: Old Guys. Yes, Masters will have many people approach him when he's out riding, but all of them will have penises. Boats attract women. Motorcycles attract dudes.

I win.

Wildfire

Oh the truth is finally revealed! I am so uncontrollably jealous of Greg's metrosexual weedeater that I can hardly stand it. The thought of having 70cc of pure power at the flick of my limp wrist is too much for my mortal mind to comprehend. Why God, did I spend the exact same amount of money for those extra 680cc?!?! SURELY! I will perish when I tuck into that turn at 110 and slide into a tree or an elderly woman in a Honda Fit. I must sell my suicide trap immediately and purchase something that could be mowed down unseen by a chump with a lifted truck that has never seen mud or a trail.

Alright sarcasm aside Greg's is jealous because his she-ped cannot go fast enough to kill him if he were to run it down a hill and into a tree. My bike on the other hand is the little brother of one of the original superbikes of the late 70's, the KZ1000. With that kind of pedigree pushing those tires down the road I'll be blissfully unaware that I have just hit a large stationary object and died. My remains will be scooped into a five gallon bucket and displayed for all to see and say "Dang, Masters went out in a blaze of glory and skidded up to the pearly gates in style, with a thousand scratches and not one unbroken bone."

What I Have That They Don't

Read the first 2 posts to this series, Matt's "Why a boat is better than what these *@&%! bought" and Masters' "Rebuttal"



My toy is this beautiful 1980 Honda Express Moped.

Here is the plain and honest truth with the situation, both "Big Cranium" Matthew, and "Mid-Life Crisis" Masters are jealous of both me and my summer toy. It's not because of what my toy is, but rather what I get to do with it.


The fact is this that, Matt got a boat that doesn't work, and Masters will surly die on his bike. 


The thing that separates me from them is that I have a girlfriend, and she's smokin', and check this out, she has a moped too!


That means while Matt is spending the entire rest of the summer, and the rest of his bank account no doubt, trying to fix his stupid purchase, and Masters is risking his life every second he sits on his. I am out enjoying the sun with a beautiful girl. 


So I ask you, who has the best summer toy?

Rebuttal

What Matt means by thinly veiled blah blah blah is that I bought a 1982 Kawasaki KZ750. It an olive-brown color and screams freedom and Amurrica! as it buzzes down the open road.


It may have been assembled in Japan but this little rocket is American through and through. The jealousy that fills Matt's soul every time he looks at my hot little number is beginning to boil over. He thinks that his semi-bouyant and immobile money pit (boat) is vastly superior as a summer toy.


He has one solid point that his vehicle can indeed hold more people but i swiftly reminded him that he has no friends and thus will be riding lonely and lopsided in his boat, the lopsidedness is an due to the effect of gravity on his massive cranium.


With all that said we need to bring this contest to the people. So lets hear your opinion on the matter, what is better a motorcycle that oozes gnarly or Matt's little dingy?

Why a boat is better than what these *@&%! bought.

I just bought a boat. Master's bought a thinly veiled mid-life crisis and Greg bought something to match his purse. I win. Boats are manly, communal, and fun. My girly roommates bought buzz traps that will invariably be run over by a large truck. Again, I win.

Boats are the best summer toy.

William the Boat Conquerer: Part I

I am back from the boat adventure, and let me first state that all is well and no one was injured. Yes, I got to borrow a 2005 Dodge Ram 1500 4X4 with the 5.7 liter V8 to tow my lovely new Sea Ray home. And, yes, I got 20 mpg while traveling towards Spokane to rescue my broken toy, but I only got 9.7 mpg with the boat affixed onto the tail of the charcoal colored Mopar. And I almost didn't get to even buy the boat because the former owner decided that he wanted cash, not the check that I brought, he didn't bring the title because he wanted to give me a bill of sale today and a title tomorrow, and the boat yard where the boat was stored was locked in a manner that the keys entrusted to us would not initially unlock. It was a fearsome tribunal of fire and chaos. And I emerged victorious with a 34 year old craft that needs an upper out drive, lots of spit and polish, and perhaps even a little love. While I may not have actually run out of gas, I was damned close. And while I was able to procure cash at 4pm on a Saturday in an amount greater than I thought was available to ATM users, it was a tense few moments before I succeeded in the withdrawal. What a day!

Today I conquer a boat, tomorrow I conquer the world!

I'm about to leave on a 10 hour round trip mission to become the owner of a broken boat. This trip will likely present all new challenges that I haven't yet considered, and will certainly be less exciting than I'm expecting, but for certain it will be well documented on this lovely little blog. Keep posted, I will share more details upon my return.