The 2012 Fiat 500 and other hateful things.

To your standard redneck's world view, no purse should not cost more than your first car. Many people started our driving careers in vehicles that were valued at $500 or less, and by this standard there are far too many purses for sale on the open market that are severely over valued. Here's a picture of a $600 purse:

I know that my sister, as elegant and refined as she is, could easily describe to me what makes the above pictured item vastly superior to a brown paper bag or a good JanSport backpack. I won't pretend to understand the distinction, though. To me, a small but expensive item better have a purpose other than looks.

Which leads me to the following item:

That's a 2012 Fiat 500. Many of you have already made some noise resembling that of the audience to a puppy's first steps. I understand that small cars are very cool right now. Fuel economy is nice, I get it. But that car is $20,000 USD. That's a Toyota Yaris and a Harley Sportster. That's a slightly used Corvette Z06. For $20k, you could get a real car.

Let me explain my distaste for the 500. I picked one up for the local Fiat dealer recently to perform some repair work to the smashed front fender. Snagging the keys, I was drawn into a conversation by the salesman about how I liked the Fiat's looks (I used neutral language; it wouldn't do to lose his business over so small an issue as honesty), whether I'd driven one yet (I have), how much fun they are (I was biting my lip so hard I could taste blood), and how excited the entire United States of America was for the upcoming Abarth edition (the glossiest of lipstick on this pig... er... 500).

I got out the door before my mouth lost the account. Quickly, I dove into the car and pulled the hood from my sweat shirt over my head. This instinctive response was born of the fact that driving these cars (and I've driven enough now that I wear a hooded shirt daily just in case) is so massively embarrassing.

Then the dealer knocked on the window.

He asked why I was wearing my hood. I confessed that the car was, in my eye, a designer purse and that I felt very embarrassed by it.

Our conversation covered all the bases, from why a reverse lockout on a 5 speed manual transmission is stupid and irritating (the 500 has one), how front wheel drive is great for commuting but awful for sportiness (the 500 is FWD), and who exactly the 500 is made for (women).

The dealer seemed saddened by the revelation (he honestly thought straight men liked 500s), but cheerfully reaffirmed when he and I both decided that 500s need not be practical, inexpensive or manly. Fiat 500s are the automotive equivalent of a $600 purse.

If you're reading this, Sister of mine, might I suggest you buy the automatic 500. Actually, I'll shut up. I honestly don't understand these things.